LEAKED: Father McShane's Spring Break Plans Discovered in Cyber Hack
Read time: 7 min.
Graphics by Molly Brodowski
Last week, The Rival obtained exclusive documents revealing the plans that Fr. McShane, S.J., President of Fordham University, has for this year’s long Spring Break, which begins March 22nd and continues through Easter Sunday. During this time, the University will be closed to students, and McShane will reportedly be taking advantage of a little time off.
Despite Fordham IT’s recent additions to online security protocol, cyber hackers were able to infiltrate the University system and gain access to staff resources. According to newly-discovered financial documents and email correspondences involving the long-time Fordham President, as students return home to spend time with family or head to warmer climates to party with friends, McShane and several other Jesuit university presidents from across the country will be traveling to sunny Southern California.
E-Vite RSVPs and private Venmo transactions suggest that the group - which consists of twelve heads of Jesuit educational institutions - will stay in a luxurious mansion outside Los Angeles.
“It’s a special little treat that the Fathers are putting on for me to celebrate 15 years as President of Fordham,” McShane divulged, after The Rival reached out for comment. “It’s kind of a one-time thing, what with the whole solidarity thing and vows of poverty, chastity and obedience stuff…”
Those close to McShane are happy that he’ll get a chance to take a load off and relax with other Fathers, on what many are calling a “Dads’ Trip”.
“Honestly, it’s nice to see the Reverend Joe Cool get out every once in a while,” said a staff member, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “Last year, the Dodransbicentennial really took a lot out of him, so he deserves this. I hope he even gets in a little trouble out there. After all, he needs something to confess to in weekly reconciliation!”
The Rival was able to find a provisional schedule for the week-long excursion under a folder titled “God’s Plan”, seemingly an allusion to the smash hit hip-hop tune of the same name by rapper Drake. The cleverly-named file folder is not the first time McShane or his staff have used a Drake reference to conceal secret information. Last spring, McShane famously interrupted his speech at graduation to whisper “Tuck my napkin in my shirt because I’m just mobbing like that” to an assistant - a confusing, circuitous way to ask for his handkerchief.
The schedule includes a few remarkable and unexpected details. Each day, the Fathers will attend an hour-long morning prayer session, followed by bottomless church-wine brunch. Then, the afternoons are jam-packed with fun, with a number of tee times lined up throughout the week and a mysterious two-hour window of “Free Time” marked off starting at 4:20pm.
“When I’m not praying, I’ll be golfing with my fellow Jesuits,” Fr. McShane said with a grin. “Winters are always hard for me, because while it gives me a chance to work with fellow administrators and faculty, I can’t work on my swing. My short game constantly needs practice, but when there’s snow on the ground and the temperature is too nippy, I can’t hit the links. It makes me feel like I can’t care for my whole self - and I’m all about cura personalis, baby.”
Evenings will include plenty of good times as well, with two nights dedicated to Lakers games (featuring court side tickets) and a night each devoted to a mind-bending David Copperfield magic show and a heart-warming Alanis Morissette concert.
Fr. Philip Boroughs, S.J., President of the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester, MA, is looking forward to the night-time activities that await the group. “Boy, am I eager to see the Lakers and David Copperfield! We’re gonna get some Magic Johnson, followed by some real magic! Sure, it may be the work of the devil, but it’s pretty damn exciting too. Like, seriously, how does he yank that rabbit out of his hat? I’ve gone through dozens of hats over the years by clawing a hole through the bottom, digging for that elusive bunny.”
Fr. Brian Linnane, S.J., President of Loyola University Maryland can’t wait to be up close and personal at the Alanis Morissette concert. “I tell you what, that girl has some pipes. She’s what all the young people love these days - she’s pretty, she’s talented, but she’s also down-to-earth. Isn’t that ironic?”
The trip will allow our own Fr. McShane the opportunity to reminisce a bit, as he spent some time in So. Cal after his college days - a period which he says helped him “find himself” before he decided to become a priest.
“After I graduated from BC, I was a rather lost soul,” he admitted. “Looking back, I was nothing like the man I am now, save for the mustache.”
McShane shared some pictures, which show his younger, long-haired, hippie self traveling the West Coast.
“Look at that hair!” he exclaimed, getting wrapped up in nostalgia. “I spent forty days and forty nights wondering those dry lands. So many memories…”
The trip will conclude on Saturday, March 31st, so that the Fathers can return to their respective institutions to conduct Easter proceedings. At Fordham, Holy Week Masses and events from Thursday to Saturday will be led by Fr. Michael McCarthy, S.J.
“I’m bummed that I will not be partaking in Dads’ Trip 2K18, but someone has to ensure that Holy Week goes smoothly,” McCarthy explained. “I definitely will not be thinking about how much fun Joey Mustache will be having on his jet-ski in Cali while I am delivering my homily on Good Friday.”
Despite the fact that classes do not resume until Tuesday, April 3rd, McShane insisted that it is vital that he return by Easter Sunday, even though it will be difficult to part with his fellow thrill-seeking Jesuit president fathers.
“Firstly,” he said, “it’s April Fools’ Day. Who is going to stick a ‘Kick Me!’ sign to Ramses the Ram’s back if I am not around? Father Scirghi? Yeah right! Secondly, the Easter Bunny will have visited, and I must maintain the University Presidents’ tradition of finding the all-important golden egg in the annual Jesuits-only on-campus easter egg hunt. Oh, and thirdly, church stuff.”
After the leak of the documents, the Jesuit university presidents listed in the Spring Break plans faced heavy criticism from students, parents, and professors, subsequently drawing attention from national media outlets.
“I think it’s pretty messed up that Fr. McShane is going on a luxurious vacation over Spring Break,” said sophomore Hailey Gullible. “What kind of priest would do that and then still carry themselves like a selfless role model for us students?”
The paparazzi tracked down McShane after this past Sunday’s evening Mass, harassing him as he left the University Church with photo flashes and pointed questions. McShane made it clear that he understands the outrage, but will not cancel his plans or change his outlook on Dads’ Trip.
“Listen,” said Fr. McShane between camera shutters, “I get it. The Jesuit fathers and I know as well as anyone that Lent is a time for sacrifice and selflessness… But, I mean, come on, Mega Spring Break doesn’t come around all that often! We're going to make the most of it before Jesus returns, resurrected.”