Your Friend's Back From Abroad... And Way More Cultured Than You

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Oh man would you look at that. Here comes Jessica. Wearing a flowing bohemian dress she just happened to pick up at a market in Lisbon. A beautiful leather bag hangs from her shoulder. “Oh this? Venetian leather.” Jessica reportedly stated. She’s back from abroad, and the nation’s leading scientists agree; she’s WAY more cultured than you. People can’t stop talking about the change. Wow. There’s just something different in the air around her. Could it be the way she carries herself like a woman who’s had sex in a variety of themed hostels? Is it the way everything seems to bore her so easily lately? You overhear Jessica saying that the red lights of Mugz don’t dazzle her like that five story secret club she hit in Italy. Wasn’t Jessica the one who’d eternally pledged her soul to tri-bar? Jessica used to love Chipotle. Now she won’t stop comparing it to those tapath she ate at that local spot she found in Thpain.

Whatever it is, you haven’t felt this inadequate since the time she came back from the Bahamas with a head full of colorful braids in the fourth grade. You make a joke about the braids to Jessica. Why didn’t she come back with them this time? “That’s cultural appropriation” says Jessica, “I learned about it from my host family, it’s just terrible”, she mentions off hand. God dammit. You’ll never be as cultured as Jessica you idiot.

She starts using the word “provincial” more and more. You thought “provincial” was a town in Rhode Island. Jessica never used to talk like this. Remember when her favorite word used to be “totes”? You catch her in the corner of the party drinking pinot noir out of what looks like a sack. “It’s called a bota…” Jessica explains that it’s what everyone drinks out of in Spain, no one uses cups, she says glancing at the red solo one in your hand filled with $10 vodka. Your cheeks turn as red as the stupid cup you’re holding. After a stint in London, Jessica now only drinks gin.

Has she not told you about her time in foggy town yet? She took a film class over at Westminster, "You simply haven’t seen film until you’ve seen Bergman on the silver screen." I thought Jessica's favorite movie was The Muppets take Manhattan? Jessica puts a song on the aux. "Is this the new Bruno Mars?" you ask. You and Jessica love Bruno Mars. She laughs and explains that this is a traditional folk band she saw in Greece; they record all of their albums in abandoned goat stables, it's better for acoustics. You try talking to her about how you finally hooked up with your crush. “Sounds tame,” Jessica says, “well at least tamer than the live sex show I caught in Amsterdam.” Remember when Jessica only cared about New Amsterdam? Now she just posts pictures from abroad with captions like, “Would rather be here!” Remember when YOU were good enough for Jessica? Jessica declined to comment, stating she had a flamenco class to get to.

CultureSam Parker