PLANET EARTH III : HOWL AT THE MOON
Read Time: 4 Min.
By: Fiona Shea
Imagine a place where temperatures regularly reach 150 degrees Fahrenheit. Where the terrain is slick with mixtures of countless liquids. Imagine a place where there is no possibility of outlasting an emergency exit. Where oxygen is scarce and blue Jolly Rancher-tasting alcohol is abundant. Imagine a place where the consumption of hookah smoke and a Chocolate Brownie Delight might occur in the same feeding period. Imagine a place where the sun does not shine - only the moon enlivens the night and guides all living things beneath it. To exist here, in this kingdom, demands the most extraordinary of survival instincts. This space...this is Howl at the Moon. A local watering hole in a lavish wetland bustling with life in the early morning hours.
By observing Howl at the Moon from a bird’s-eye view we can now explore collegiate dramas in entirely new ways. We can bring you closer to these animals than ever before. We can uncover truths for the very first time. Looking down on this ecosystem from 30 feet above Earth’s surface, it’s impossible to not be inspired by the utter majesty and splendor of the natural world.
In this environment, clusters of males and females gather in what are known as “friend groups.” These flocks frequently participate in a ritual known as a “pregame” before arriving to the more buzzing territory. At the pregame, intoxicating substances are ingested in preparation for the highly anticipated interactions to come.
It is now 1:00 AM. The first bachelor group approaches Howl. They move steadily, careful as to not appear overly eager or animated. They keep their backs stiff and shuffle their steps as they inaudibly proceed to their place in line. A casual, untroubled air is to be maintained. These males belong to a class known as “bros.” It is easy for us to spot the bros from our altitude, because bros share many physical similarities. Their comfort is found in khaki pants and button down shirts that effectively augment the bro-bond between them.
The alpha reaches the entrance to Howl. A male bro like this one has the ability to extend the size of his stomach considerable distances. This practice allows for maximum consumption of libations. In bro society, maximum consumption is everything. The alpha confidently moves inside the building while the remaining members of his group are tested by the guard of the structure. The alpha turns and gives his bros a subtle nod. They all know that this is the way of life in the kingdom.
For now, it is still relatively quiet on the terrain. But that will soon change. The females are making their first descent into the enclave. These females are much more instinctually inclined than their male counterparts. They have refined their social capabilities and have mastered the mating culture.
Once inside, a cluster of females is greeted by the alpha. His comrades carefully watch his movements from afar while rapidly sipping. They hope to learn from his success. The alpha male and an alluring female tentatively greet each other with a special dance that they’ve perfected over many encounters. The female appears disinterested and senses others close by. She strays from the crowded middle ground and finds ample space elsewhere.
On the opposite side of the domain two bros perceive an oncoming threat. A different class of males enter the scene. This second group of males belong to the breed of “hipsters.” Hipsters often times use tactics of academia to engage with the females. Although these methods are equally as unmoving for single females, the foreign nature of the domain is daunting for the bros. As a hipster male approaches the alluring female’s isolated corner, her energy shifts dramatically. This time, she’s much more welcoming. The two recognize one another and entertain conversation for the following minutes. This female has an admirer.
Meanwhile, the alpha male’s nocturnal potential is limited. His stomach has become over-extended with liquids. A surefire setback for the bros. It prompts the bros into a nomadic mindset. It is time for them to re-fuel. They collectively glide through the exit, with the same unbothered disposition as they entered. A quick glance over to the corner is made by the alpha’s two main bros. They know that he is not in an attentive state of mind. The female from earlier is happily captivated by a hipster. An enormous loss for the bros.
As they migrate east, we predict that the pack of bros are relocating to a feeding ground. After waiting a short period, they return outside of Howl. This time, with sustenance in hand. It is evident that all members of the squad were in need of nourishment after their time at the watering hole. What follows is one of the most complex occurrences ever observed in nature. The bros lose sight of the alpha, and he wanders off into the shadows. He inhales vapor from a small device that he removes from his pocket. He puffs and coughs while he staggers sideways. He strikes a solid wall and takes a moment to regain his balance. While his feed is tightly grasped in the palm of his hand, he begins bending over himself, regurgitating what he had just devoured. When the bros finally distinguish the alpha through the 3AM haze, they respond in exultation. They rejoice in an exuberant frenzy and motivate the alpha with yells and screams. The loss the squad has suffered earlier is forgotten entirely. A nightfall of unremembered regurgitation turns the outing into a win for the bros.
Howl at the Moon is a place of intricacy and nobility unrivaled on Earth’s exterior. The phenomenal connection with incredible creatures brought countless surprising revelations for our crew. It provided a first glimpse into the mysterious animals in one of the most well-known edges of our world.
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