How “All I Want For Christmas Is You” Can Get You Out of Any Sticky Situation
By Christina Czachor
In my three years at Fordham, I have never seen a song unite a community more than “All I Want For Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey (henceforth known as AIWFCIY). It’s akin to “We Are the World” for Fordham students. Sober or intoxicated, AIWFCIY can brighten anyone's day and have them ready to party. And as an added bonus: you can play it ALL YEAR ROUND. College students will not give a f*ck that it’s May 1st, they will still throw down to Ms. Careys bop of the century. Now you may be asking yourself: How? How can this 1994 Christmas classic completely change someone's mood? The answer: complete, unadulterated, Christmas cheer. If you play your cards right, you can take advantage of the raw, joyous, emotions it draws from your fellow Fordham Rams when you’re in a pickle.
And They Were Roommates… (Oh my god they were roommates)
Let’s start with a position we’ve all been in: an awkward situation with a roommate. Whether it be a dispute about who’s doing dishes or not quite knowing how to respond when they tell you that they were the one who pooped in the communal shower freshman year, everyone could use a fool-proof way to escape an awkward situation. As the tense silence becomes unbearable, you slyly slide your hand on over to your speaker and press play. As the sweet melodies of our holiness’ Ms. Mariah Carey’s voice fills the room, your roommate’s eyes close in elation as he/she tries to hit the high notes. You are rewarded with a golden opportunity to sneak out of the room and buy yourself a few hours to diffuse awkwardness and decide how to respond.
The next situation requires a bit more setup and precision but can be executed with unwavering determination. The scene is a particularly sweaty Girl’s Night Out at The Blue Goose and you’re trapped against the wall by the masses of gyrating bodies. You’ve been separated from your friends due to gangly freshman deciding to create a dance circle, causing utter chaos. You spot your friends from afar, but your attempts to push through the crowd are futile. Just then he emerges, the Gabelli Bro™. He was able to part the crowd and walk directly toward you, like a modern day Moses. You can smell the watermelon Four Loko on his breath as he begins to make small talk and quickly scan the room for options out of the encounter. You spot your friends again but are still too far to directly communicate with them. You decide to initiate Operation: GabelliNO. After an elaborate set of hand signals and nods across the bar, your friend rushes to the fur coat clad DJ and slides him a crisp George Washington. As the bells start to jingle your pursuer can’t help but make sure those around him know how conscious he is of cultural ideals and begins dancing in a way only Ms. Carey can inspire. You break free from the wall and are reunited with your girls.
The 9th Circle of Hell (The Cosi Line)
The final situation involves one of the most stressful places on Fordhams campus: Cosi, also known as the 9th circle of hell. Don’t get me wrong, the food at Cosi is probably some of the most palatable on campus, but going during lunch/dinner/whenever classes let out is a nightmare. That being said, AIYFCIY can alleviate the special brand of anxiety that only the Cosi line can produce. You’ve been leaning against the counter for 45 minutes now, stomach ravenous with hunger. Students all around you are clamoring about how long it’s taking, with some even being rude to the workers, which, gross. The kids are stressed, the workers are stressed, you’re about to take the plate of free bread and run, when an idea strikes you. You whip out your phone, and hack into the Cosi speaker system. The usual soft pop tunes fade away and your ears are blessed with the tinkling of those magical opening bells. Everyone’s perturbed demeanor melts away, and they begin to dance. Sandwiches, salads, and soups begin to fly out of the hands of the workers and into the mouths of the students. You get your chicken TBM, and peace is restored in the universe.
My fellow Rams, go forth and use this sacred knowledge and be prepared to reap its benefits. Whether it be forced triple troubles or uncomfortable one night stand encounters, AIWFCIY is a sure-fire solution to your bothersome woes. But be cautioned, abuse of this sacred 90’s hit may just summon the pop princess herself.