For Ziggy’s and Barnyard, Our Unborn Babies
Dear Ziggy’s Cafe and Barnyard BBQ,
As the day that you will enter this world comes closer and closer, there are a few things I need to say. First of all, we are so excited to meet both of you. We always knew there was something missing. When we found out you two were coming, things suddenly made a little more sense.
Before you get here, there are some things you should know. Although it’s a parent’s job to protect their child, there are some inevitable discomforts that even I cannot shield you from.
You will see many, many things. Some of these things you will wish you could unsee. But, you can’t. Some of these things will degrade you. Leave you with a reputation. Some may try to break you. Others may build you up.
You should try to remember that the couple pressed against your back wall didn’t mean you any harm. When “Promiscuous” comes on, though, look the other way. Actually, there’s another grinding couple over “the other way”. Don’t look there either.
Oh, or there.
You know what? Just close your eyes. Just close them.
The kid in the corner filling your air with dab pen smoke doesn’t mean to hurt you either. Or the kid juuling. Neither does the one with the Suorin. Your lungs will get accustomed to filtering the oxygen out of all the smoke in the air. Besides, they kind of mix together after a certain point anyway and your nose won’t even be able to tell you are being bombarded by three different culprits.
Disregard those football kids fighting in the middle of the floor. They don’t mean you any harm either. Just each other, really.
Sometimes, though, there will be danger. Real danger. Bottles will be broken on your floor. Drinks will be spilled, and people will slip. Your floors will be dirty, and probably drenched with inch-deep puddles.
Dorm keys will be dropped, ID cards will be lost, and tears will be shed. Sometimes if you’re lucky, a debit card goes flying through the air.
Never forget your helmet. It can be a scary world.
You should also come to terms with the popularity contest you will endure. Sweetie, don’t take it too personally. As brothers, you are bound to compete, and there will be times when you two won’t want to look each other in the eye. Just remember when it comes down to it, the Instagram feuds and free shots don’t mean a thing. Blue Goose and Howl at the Moon have feuded for years, and they seem to never be on good terms. I don’t want you two to end up like them. Don’t let your brotherly rivalry darken your hearts. Too many drunk girls lose earrings on the floor because it’s dark enough as it is.
Please, the two of you, try to get along. There will be nights where one of you is favored over the other, I am already certain of this. There will be times when one of you is surrounded by love and one of you is left all alone. This is life. Be strong, be ready, and be brothers.
Goose and Howl have been here for ages. They’ve made themselves known, established a reputation, and drawn in a fanbase. They’ve made a legacy. They’re the most popular kids in school, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. It doesn’t mean people won’t like you. In fact, you might come along and knock everyone right off their feet!
Actually, yeah, you probably will knock everyone off their feet. Quite literally. And frequently.
Learn to love “Mr. Brightside”, “All I Want For Christmas is You”, and “Beautiful Girls”. Study often. Work hard at your memorization so you fit in with the crew.
You’ll have some vocabulary to catch up with. Let’s start with some basics. You’ll grow quite familiar with words like “Pugs” and “pitchers”, “goose” and “howl”, “rams” and “best”. You’ll often hear exclamations of “It’s almost 3:30! We need to run,” or “Leave your window open”, my personal favorite. This is normal. You’ll grow accustomed to it.
You will see scary things, like flocks of girls in corduroy Forever 21 skirts and whatever animal-print shirt is popular that week. Oh, and no jacket. Even when it is 30 degrees outside. You heard me right. Jennifer’s new I.AM.GIA Pixie Coat is on a hanger in her closet back on campus. Your world will become a blur of Canada Goose, Patagonia, black bodysuits, knee-high boots, and dirty, dirty Adidas sneakers. Converse are even scarier. All the beer just soaks right through.
More often than not, you’ll have a nightmare. An iPhone X will hit the ground and shatter. It happens, often. If it doesn’t happen to you, it will happen near you. Not only will iPhones shatter, but also the heart of a freshman girl who witnesses her orientation-week-lover heading for the door with someone else.
By the time round six of “Finesse” hits the speakers, you’ll probably be just about ready to quit. Hang in there, champ.
Sweet Ziggy’s and beautiful Barnyard, we await your arrival. We can’t wait to see what you bring.
We can’t wait to start our lives with you, as one unit, as a family.
Welcome to the Rams. See you soon.
With all our love,