What Drink Are You?

By Selin Berberoglu

Read time: 3 minutes

Have a pen and paper handy and mark down all your choices so you can add them up in the end:

  1. When you go out, where do you go?

    a. Karaoke night at The Bronx Beer Hall to sing the entire ABBA discography.

    b. Maybe I’ll pregame at a house party for a bit, then head out.

    c. Mugz’s, always and forever.

    d. Anywhere I can end up on Barstool.

  2. One of these songs has to go, which is it?

    a. “Sicko Mode,” by Travis Scott.

    b. “Mo Bamba,” by Sheck Wes.

    c. “You Belong With Me,” by Taylor Swift.

    d. “Africa,” by Toto.

  3. What do you wear to go out?

    a. A hoe never gets cold!

    b. I’m in bed with a sheet mask on, why would I go out?

    c. I’ll break out the good old basketball jersey.

    d. No one’s gonna notice if I wore this last week!

  4. Where do you get food after the barz?

    a. Rams - because I am a Bad Girl™.

    b. Pugsley’s - I’m still trying to ring the gong.  

    c. Wherever’s closest - my stomach’s growling and it’s cold out.  

    d. White Castle - I have no respect for myself.

  5. With whom/How do you pregame?

    a. Everyone I lived with at Queen’s Cult…I mean…Court.

    b. I head out stone cold sober.

    c. My squad…just ballin’ with my bros.

    d. The pregame never ends since I bring a Four Loko to all my 8:30 classes.

  6. Have you ever drunk cried on a night out?

    a. Yes.

    b. No.

    c. I can’t remember.

    d. Alcohol provides solace from the pain.

  7. How do you celebrate your last final exam?

    a. Going out with my crew.

    b. Pizza from Pugsley’s and a movie marathon with my friends.

    c. Case Races with all my roommates.

    d. Back to back shots of Jaeger.

  8. What’s your greatest fear?

    a. Spiders and the dark.

    b. Failing out of college.

    c. WiFi cuts out in the middle of my take home online final exam.

    d. Death should fear me.

  9. Who would play you in a biopic?

    a. Rihanna.  

    b. Anne Hathaway.

    c. Idris Elba.

    d. Danny Devito

Your Results:

You got mostly A’s:

You are … a woo-woo! This Fordham classic, universally loved by everyone, is a stunning blend of cranberry juice, peach schnapps, and vodka. If you selected mostly A’s, then you’re a sweet and fun-loving individual that’s ready to be the life of the party all day, every day. However, keep an eye out for something dark, lurking beneath the surface, ready to induce massive headaches in all your loved ones (I’m of course talking about the high ACV in both the vodka and the schnapps - but also your inability to stop screaming, “THIS IS MY JAM!” at every song that comes on in Goose).

You got mostly B’s:

You are … a rum and coke! Reliable, dependable, trustworthy. You’re a responsible individual that not only alternates every alcoholic drink with a glass of water, but makes sure your friends are staying hydrated through the night. You probably use a planner to write down all your assignments and definitely keep up with class readings. Although you’re loved by many, people do look at you and wonder if you need to shake things up and be a little more spontaneous. Never fear, you’ve got your friends’ backs and they’ve got yours.

You got mostly C’s:

You are … beer! Although you’ve got many different sides to you (IPAs, Lagers, Pale Ales, Microbrews, etc.), you’re a creature of habit. You eat the same breakfast every morning, jam out to one album over and over, and re-watch [The Office, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Parks and Rec, Etc.] for the seventeenth time. Nothing wrong with consistency, but always remember that the only constant is change.

You got mostly D’s:

You are … a suspiciously-colored shot! You’re a psychopath. A genuine psychopath. What is wrong with you? Why are you doing $2 shots of a bright blue liquid? It could be poison! It could be paint remover! You have absolutely no idea! All the labels on the bottles rubbed off years ago. Take a moment to analyze why you’re in this position. Were you picked last for teams during gym class in middle school? Did someone spoil Game of Thrones for you? Did you lose someone when Thanos snapped his fingers? Let’s be real here: you can, and you must, do better.

Campus, Culture, SatireFiona Shea